365 Days of Italy Ava: Day 32

Think Pink

I sat for so long trying to prepare for this days blog. I talked Laura into letting me write a blog that meant something deep and why I wanted to share my story. There were no words that came to mind on how to even begin writing, where to start or what to say. All I knew was that come October, I wanted to share why this month is so special. I wear pink on my wrist, permanently. Four years ago I tattooed 'Believe' on my wrist, with a Pink Ribbon. For those of you who don't know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

BATTLE [bat·tle/ˈbatl/]: Fight or struggle tenaciously to achieve or resist something.

Every single day for someone who is fighting cancer or has fought it, is a battle. To wake up not knowing what the day will bring is something we all go through, but having cancer sucks. Not sure on how many days you have left, sucks. Cancer runs pretty thick in my family. You read about how many people cancer affects and you don't think it will ever happen to you and your family. Once it does, the only thing that runs through your head is, how many days left? How much time do I have to spend with the person I love. All I hoped was that I still had forever.

I can still remember standing at the top of the steps when my mom walked up telling me the worst news ever. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. I couldn't grasp a reason on why my mom, but I think everyone thinks that. It was so wrong. I could feel my heart sink. My heart sank so low that day. I remember lying in bed, thinking how we were going to get through this. I had so much family call and say how strong my mom was and how much stronger we had to be for her. A lot of what would we do with out her? Both of my brothers called me that night, both saying the exact same thing, what would we do with out mom? I couldn't even answer because I was holding back so much. I had so much pain in my heart and a huge lump in my throat, I was holding back so many tears. I got to a point where I had to shut my phone off. But I had to be strong for my mom, because for so long she was strong for me. My mom took her treatments in Sioux Falls. Thankfully such a great cancer center is close. I can't even begin to tell you how many treatments she went through, all I know is that for every chemo appointment, I was sitting in the chair across from her. I couldn't let her go through this alone. Sitting there, you can see cancer taking so much strength, so much of my mom. But I could and would never lose hope and focused on my faith. I remember driving her home, my trailblazer had heated seats which my mom loved, and she feel asleep every drive home. Looking at her, knowing what she was going through instantly brought tears to my eyes. I knew that my mom would make it through this. My mom is amazing. She has so much love to give. All I wanted was to take away some pain, some heartache, and give her strength to move forward. When I grew up, I knew my parents loved it each other, but maybe not every day was perfect. When my mom found out she had cancer, I still get the image in my head of my dad. I can't imagine what it would feel like to know I might lose my best friend, my wife, my everything. Throughout treatments, my dad was always there for her, I have never felt so much love, ever. My dad doesn't show emotion, unless he is upset :). But if there are tears it is pretty serious, if there's hugs it's pretty serious. The love between my parents is something I could always see, but never felt as much as I did then.

If there is anyone I wanted to be like when I found my place in life, it was her. She has so much passion for what she does, which is nursing. Did I mention she never took a day off? Even after chemo, she was at work the next day, sick or not. After all her chemo, my mom had to have surgery. Not only did she have to lose her hair from all the chemo treatments, but she also had to lose what most breast cancer patients do. There is nothing worse then having someone go through surgery and seeing them in the hospital room, trying to recover and hoping they got all the cancer. I remember the night of surgery, my mom kept apologizing every time the nurses would come to check on her. I was sleeping on the couch in the recovery room. I couldn't believe my mom would think to apologize for that, I felt bad she was getting woke up every hour and that she just had major surgery. I can't even begin to imagine my life hanging like that, not knowing what the future was. How cancer picked her. Or why cancer picks anyone. For a few years after my moms surgery, I moved away. We talked practically twice a day on the phone, I missed being there for her so much. I missed a lot. All I could remember thinking after I moved was I want to have kids and I want my mom to be here for that. As I sit and write this blog, I've got a little hand over my arms and a little voice saying 'momma you ok?' Because every time I talk about my mom, I tear up. I am so thankful to have my daughter and extremely blessed to have daughter have my mom as her grandma. I am SO thankful though, that cancer is still losing the battle with my mom. Cancer isn't who my mom is or was, and it never defined her. It just took a lot from her.

To this day, I still can not believe the strength my mom had every single day. Because every day was a battle. A battle she wasn't sure if she would win or lose. My mom is a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and most importantly a survivor. You have to embrace yourself with faith and hope, and know that you will pull through this. I don't think my mom could have beat this without the amount of support she got from family and friends, but I honestly don't think we could have supported her as much if she didn't have so much faith in herself. Of course, I'm sure there were so many moments my mom was scared of what will happen next and what her future holds. But if you think too far ahead, you don't focus on what's important and that's right now. You really don't think of celebrating and embracing your life until something serious happens. I have a daily reminder that cancer almost took my mom, and to be very thankful for what I have in life and WHO I get to share it with. But what's most important is why I have believe tattooed on my wrist. I believe that some day there will be a cure for cancers. That there will always be hope for those who are touched by cancer. I'm lucky that I still get to share my days with my mom, so for that I can't explain how blessed I am. I have a few girl friends that are my besties, but my mom, she comes first. And I hope one day, I can share that bond with my daughter.

My daughter, Avery sporting my pink hat from the store!

Here is my mom and daughter, Avery, riding ponies at the Orchard.

Hopefully you share the same passion of Breast Cancer Awareness Month as I do.

I'm lucky enough to wear pink every day, but we have some great accessories for those who need a little more pink in their life! Here at Italy Ava, we have spots of pink throughout the store. THINK PINK & come in to save 10% off anything PINK the entire month of October.